Should I stay or go?

Written July 2019

Love.!?  It can be exhausting, if you choose to let it be.  I was in a relationship long ago where I knew the dude lied all the time.  I have a good intuition and he didn’t have loyal friends so I knew he was up to no good.  I would drive myself crazy trying to find the truth. Looking through the computer history, checking his phone, ect.  You can literally exhaust yourself and feel crazy in the process. Not to mention, when you go looking for trouble, you will find it.  After that relationship I vowed to never make those choices again. 

I was single for 8 years and lived a good fun life.  My cousin said I was a bachelor. Not a bachelorette but a girl bachelor.  Life was pretty stress free, besides baby daddy drama.  I had a blast and had no fucks to give when it came to guys.  I had a handful to choose from when I wanted and my own bed to lay in every night I chose to.  I was alone but never lonely.  My true loves are my kids anyways but sometimes I wanted to escape reality and have fun too.  I didn’t bring men around my kids because I never intended for anything to get serious.  My kids knew I dated and sometimes even asked if they were ever going to meet any of my friends but the answer was, “if I ever feel it’s going to be serious then yes but until then, no.” 

Eventually I did get serious with someone and I did everything I said I’d never do. The first night I met him I knew it was love.  I saw his soul when I looked in his eyes.  My energy was so drawn to him.  He said all the right things.  He was everything on my list. I knew that night he was my other half.  It was exciting but scary.  I didn’t let him know but he knew it too.  Under his breath he whispered, “Yup, I’m gonna love her.”  I went home that night with butterflies.  I was just a kid with my first love and I did love some of my longtime friends but this was different. I was falling in love.

We moved fast.  I wanted to grow old with him and knew he was my forever.  My kids knew it was serious when they met him and accepted him because I loved him.  He got hurt after 2 months of us dating.  One day we were in the hospital after his surgery and I blurted out that he could move in us as long as the kids were okay with it.  After I said it my stomach sank and I felt like I got punched in the bread basket.  What the heck did I just do?  Can I take it back? Why did I say that?  Oh my goodness!  He could read all of my thoughts and he knew I was panicking but also knew he was in like Flynn.  I talked to the kids and they said it was a go.  Life as we knew it was changing.

He moved in right out of the hospital and the kids and I made room for him in our lives.  My oldest was going off to college and I got rid of about half my clothes and shoes.  We had a small place but made it work.  I worked my butt off like normal while he healed.  The kids weren’t use to having someone there all the time and it was a big adjustment for them.  One surgery turned into five and it was a long road I didn’t realize I was on.  Blending a family isn’t easy and when you add surgeries and financial stress it gets bumpy.  We loved hard and we fought hard.  We are so much alike, yet so different.  We went through a lot of ups and downs. I had the best laughs of my life and lots of tears.  The good times were awesome.  We could make the best out of anything.  The bad times however, kept getting worse.

Three years, one roller coaster ride and a baby later things have drastically changed.  We no longer live together and are trying to adjust to new life.  It’s rough at times, tons of mixed emotions and confusion. Lots of other people’s opinions.  Never knowing what the “right” thing to do is.  What does a healthy co parent relationship look like?  Should we be having sex since we’re not seeing anyone else?  Should I listen to my therapist’s advice?  Is working it out even possible?  Am I being given time I need to grow and process?  Is the Lord behind all of this or is it the devils work?  So much to try to figure out and I might not ever find the “right” way.  Seems like so much is out of my control but there’s one thing I can control.  I can control the way I feel.  However I choose to respond to all of this determines how I’m going to feel.  Love is tricky and sometimes you can’t help who you love.  You have to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or you’ll lose yourself every time react.

This morning there was a situation that didn’t add up.  I could have got in my car to go investigate.  I could have sat and drove myself crazy assuming all of the possibilities.  I chose to put the phone away, read my bible, have coffee and get words on paper.  I’ve been given space and time, the way I use it is my choice.  Today I chose to stay.  I didn’t allow negative thoughts to enter, I didn’t go looking for trouble.  I did choose to take advantage of the time I was given and use it in a positive way and I feel good for choosing me.   I'm keeping my power and trying my best to focus on the things I do have control over.  I'm remembering how much I enjoy my time and space.  My cup was empty and now its filling up.