Perception
“I love you, Aileen”… Words every 15 year old girl wants
to hear from their Dad, right? You would
think so, but those very words sent chills down my spine the last time I heard
them out of my Dads mouth. It wasn’t
just the words though, it was the monotone & detached way they were
expressed that led me to begin preparing for what I knew was coming. Our lives were about to drastically change
and I could feel it. The only question
was, how was I going to influence the situation in order to get the best outcome
for all of us involved?
It
was New Year’s Day in 1996 and I was grounded like normal. Mom was cooking all
sorts of delicious food & the Rose Parade was on. My brothers & sister kept coming into my
room to sneak me treats and tell me about the cool floats they were watching on
TV. We were a tight pack of siblings and
always looked out for each other. We
were all pretty good about living in fantasy land & pretending we didn’t
live in the twilight zone. My Dad hadn’t
spoken a nice word to me in weeks and everyone was walking on egg shells inside
themselves but smiling on the outside.
Although most of life up to this point had been chaotic the prior year
had been downright insane and I knew anything was possible. That night when my Dad walked past my room he
whispered those words, “I love you, Aileen”, but he didn’t look at me & he
didn’t slow his pace. The voice that I
heard wasn’t even his, he was already gone.
He had threatened to kill himself & us in the past and I remember
being so horribly scared. I would cry
& pray that nothing would happen but it was different this time, I wasn’t
scared at all and I prayed it would end fast and with just him.
That was our last New Year’s together as a nuclear family
& the pull of a trigger dramatically changed life as we knew it forever. How was Mom going to raise us 5? I am, and
always have been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The
thing I learned that night, was we don’t always get to know “why” right away
and eventually I realized, it’s not the why that matters. Sometimes it takes years for things to make
sense and I found that looking at a situation as an observer can help change
the way I perceive the situation. Now I
know that when you change your perception, things just seem to change. Watching my dad kill himself drastically changed
my self-worth and for many years I saw life through the eyes of a victim. I let someone else’s experience determine how
my experience was going to play out and that person wasn’t even here
anymore.
It
was almost midnight & I knew it was getting close. I could hear my mom trying to talk him out of
it, she even called my grandma. My three year old sister was in the room with
them and she was all I cared about. I
quietly walked down the hall & looked through the crack of the door
jam. I knew I couldn’t disturb the scene
because he might freak out and take us all out, so I patiently waited. My legs were shaking, palms were sweaty &
I remember feeling cold on the inside.
It felt unreal & I didn’t know how I was so strong & focused but
I was. As I stood there watching I
analyzed and thought about what I was going to do after he did it, and then it
happened. My mom was screaming &
trying to plug the hole in his juggler, my grandma was screaming on the phone
and then I started screaming. I grabbed
my sister, ran her out, and cleaned the blood off of her. The oldest brother
guarded the little boys from seeing anything while 911 was called. My mom continued trying to save him but he
was long gone. The cops probably got
there fast but it seemed like forever.
Our Aunt, Uncle, cousin and grandma got there not long after to get us
out of there. The ride to my Aunts house
was the longest ride ever, I remember feeling like it was a dream and I was
waiting to wake up. Things are kind of
blurry after that but I did break down at the viewing. It all became so real, I was never going to
see my dad again and I was not okay with that.
Family members told me I climbed in the casket with him but I don’t
recall that. No matter how crazy and
abusive he was, I loved him and was devastated that my dad was gone. I died that night right along with him. I blamed myself for being a “bad kid” and for
not conforming to his twisted rules. I
was a zombie, a walking to do list, and was literally just going through the
motions of life. It eventually turned to anger and life went even darker. I did lots of drugs and drank tons of alcohol
to numb life for many years. I tried to
die on a regular basis but GOD had other plans for me. I was not in the driver seat of life, life
was driving me.
Three
months after he died I ended up in an unhealthy relationship and went on to
bring three children into this world.
The cycle continued, and while we weren’t as dysfunctional as my parents
were, we weren’t stable parents by any means.
Drugs, alcohol and violence continued to run ramped and death still
always seemed appealing. No one around
me knew how things really were because I had been putting a fake smile on my
whole life and was a pro at it by that point.
Eventually, living life this way wasn’t working. I asked myself if I was ever going to be happy
and really thrive. I didn’t know how I
was going to, but I knew I could overcome anything and I wanted to. It was time to move mountains and make some
changes. I had also been told that
forgiveness will set you free, and so the journey to freedom began.
I
left my husband when I was 29 and while that made some aspects of life better
there was still underlying issues. You
can run but you’re always there. I’ve
never been a religious person so when my friend wanted me to see her spiritual
guide I was a little hesitant but I knew I needed help cleaning out the closet
so I went. I consulted him a few times
for insight but quickly realized that I didn’t need a spiritual guide. What I needed was personal growth. I started reading books and finding techniques
that would help me grow. I came across a
quote, “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” ~
Wayne Dyer. I remember thinking, “what a
joke, that’s too easy!”
Is
it possible to find blessings from a tragedy? Absolutely, if you choose to! That Wayne Dyer quote had my wheels spinning
so I decided to give it a try. I figured
if I wanted my life to change, I had to change the way I felt about life. I wanted to be happy but I was stuck on all
of the “bad” things that I had experienced and the fact that my therapist at
the time, told me statistics said I should be a “crack whore” or dead wasn’t
helping either. Regardless of what I had
been through, what people said about me or how people treated me, bottom line
was I wanted to feel good.
I
started asking myself “what is a feeling?’
I found that a feeling is a general state of consciousness determined by
belief. So what is belief? By definition
a belief is basically an acceptance of a statement. Both are a state of mind, something we
control, therefore we can change how we feel.
Once I realized we have the capability of reprogramming our thought
patterns and inevitability we create our future, it became a matter of
responsibility. If I create my reality
then I am responsible for everything that has happened to me and that leaves no
one to blame but myself. I found that
when I quit placing blame and reclaimed my power, forgiveness just kind of
happened and life became easy. Through
education and reprogramming I’ve changed my perception on suicide and have discovered
that creating joy is easy. Through
experience and Guidance from the good Lord above, I’ve been blessed with
validation that when you change your perception you change your life.
No comments:
Post a Comment