Should I stay or go?

Written July 2019

Love.!?  It can be exhausting, if you choose to let it be.  I was in a relationship long ago where I knew the dude lied all the time.  I have a good intuition and he didn’t have loyal friends so I knew he was up to no good.  I would drive myself crazy trying to find the truth. Looking through the computer history, checking his phone, ect.  You can literally exhaust yourself and feel crazy in the process. Not to mention, when you go looking for trouble, you will find it.  After that relationship I vowed to never make those choices again. 

I was single for 8 years and lived a good fun life.  My cousin said I was a bachelor. Not a bachelorette but a girl bachelor.  Life was pretty stress free, besides baby daddy drama.  I had a blast and had no fucks to give when it came to guys.  I had a handful to choose from when I wanted and my own bed to lay in every night I chose to.  I was alone but never lonely.  My true loves are my kids anyways but sometimes I wanted to escape reality and have fun too.  I didn’t bring men around my kids because I never intended for anything to get serious.  My kids knew I dated and sometimes even asked if they were ever going to meet any of my friends but the answer was, “if I ever feel it’s going to be serious then yes but until then, no.” 

Eventually I did get serious with someone and I did everything I said I’d never do. The first night I met him I knew it was love.  I saw his soul when I looked in his eyes.  My energy was so drawn to him.  He said all the right things.  He was everything on my list. I knew that night he was my other half.  It was exciting but scary.  I didn’t let him know but he knew it too.  Under his breath he whispered, “Yup, I’m gonna love her.”  I went home that night with butterflies.  I was just a kid with my first love and I did love some of my longtime friends but this was different. I was falling in love.

We moved fast.  I wanted to grow old with him and knew he was my forever.  My kids knew it was serious when they met him and accepted him because I loved him.  He got hurt after 2 months of us dating.  One day we were in the hospital after his surgery and I blurted out that he could move in us as long as the kids were okay with it.  After I said it my stomach sank and I felt like I got punched in the bread basket.  What the heck did I just do?  Can I take it back? Why did I say that?  Oh my goodness!  He could read all of my thoughts and he knew I was panicking but also knew he was in like Flynn.  I talked to the kids and they said it was a go.  Life as we knew it was changing.

He moved in right out of the hospital and the kids and I made room for him in our lives.  My oldest was going off to college and I got rid of about half my clothes and shoes.  We had a small place but made it work.  I worked my butt off like normal while he healed.  The kids weren’t use to having someone there all the time and it was a big adjustment for them.  One surgery turned into five and it was a long road I didn’t realize I was on.  Blending a family isn’t easy and when you add surgeries and financial stress it gets bumpy.  We loved hard and we fought hard.  We are so much alike, yet so different.  We went through a lot of ups and downs. I had the best laughs of my life and lots of tears.  The good times were awesome.  We could make the best out of anything.  The bad times however, kept getting worse.

Three years, one roller coaster ride and a baby later things have drastically changed.  We no longer live together and are trying to adjust to new life.  It’s rough at times, tons of mixed emotions and confusion. Lots of other people’s opinions.  Never knowing what the “right” thing to do is.  What does a healthy co parent relationship look like?  Should we be having sex since we’re not seeing anyone else?  Should I listen to my therapist’s advice?  Is working it out even possible?  Am I being given time I need to grow and process?  Is the Lord behind all of this or is it the devils work?  So much to try to figure out and I might not ever find the “right” way.  Seems like so much is out of my control but there’s one thing I can control.  I can control the way I feel.  However I choose to respond to all of this determines how I’m going to feel.  Love is tricky and sometimes you can’t help who you love.  You have to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or you’ll lose yourself every time react.

This morning there was a situation that didn’t add up.  I could have got in my car to go investigate.  I could have sat and drove myself crazy assuming all of the possibilities.  I chose to put the phone away, read my bible, have coffee and get words on paper.  I’ve been given space and time, the way I use it is my choice.  Today I chose to stay.  I didn’t allow negative thoughts to enter, I didn’t go looking for trouble.  I did choose to take advantage of the time I was given and use it in a positive way and I feel good for choosing me.   I'm keeping my power and trying my best to focus on the things I do have control over.  I'm remembering how much I enjoy my time and space.  My cup was empty and now its filling up.                                                                                         

  August 2019

Holy Shingles!

I fell out of bed a few weeks ago and was having the worst pain ever.  It was so bad one morning that I grabbed some pain gel and rubbed it all over.  I didn’t shake the bottle and got some intense concentrated oils on my skin.  I broke out in what I thought was a chemical burn.  My pain kept getting worse.  In fact it got so severe I was crying and couldn’t sleep.  That might not be a big deal for some but I don’t cry.  My brother made the comment that he has never even seen me cry and when he heard me say I was crying it was extremely weird to think about.  Sad story bro, but anyways back to the pain. I’m definitely not one to the run to the doctor but I know when it’s time to go.  I believe in a healthy balance of eastern and western medicine and this was a time to go.

I get to the urgent care and tell the doctor my falling out of bed story and tell her about the pain gel burn.  I tell her I’m a massage therapist and know anatomy well but I don’t understand any of what’s going on because the pain patterns don’t make sense.  She agrees and asks to see my oil burn.  Her eyes got as big as half dollar coin and she said, “That’s not a burn, that’s shingles! And it’s a really bad case, one of the worst I’ve seen.  You’re in the worst part of it and should have already been on an antiviral.” I was so confused.  I’ve never had chicken pox so how could I have shingles. I also didn’t remember being around anyone that had it and didn’t know how I would have gotten it. Apparently, because I’ve had cold sores, I have that kind of virus in my body and it’s the same virus as chicken pox.  She said high levels of stress bring it on most of the time.  She prescribed pain meds and an antiviral.  Like I said before, I’m not one to run to doctors and pills.  I actually try to avoid it but again, this was the time to embrace western medicine.  A few days later when pain still wasn’t letting up she prescribed a nerve pain medicine to try out.  She also informed me that the nerve pain might not ever go away.  The gift that keeps giving.  Could it be karma?

So here I sit, over three weeks later and on three medicines. This has been a humbling experience to say the least. As a massage therapist you come across a lot of people with high levels of pain.  I’ve been fortunate in life and other than having children haven’t experienced much pain. After labor there’s a reward, you get a baby.  The reward makes the pain not so bad.  Shingles just plain sucks!  Over three weeks of pain and broken sleep is horrible.  Thank God I have my big kids to help with the baby.  Zoe is 19 months old, Devin is 16, Brandon is 18 and Michelle is 20 and away at college but helps from a distance.  Zoe is my wild child and requires full attention all the time. She also got sick the first week of my pain journey.  Zoe has a great immune system and other than two months ago when she got a high fever after a stressful event, she’s never been sick so it was pretty much a nightmare while both of us were jacked up but we’re getting through it.  She was back to her sassy self after about five days.

I’ve reflected a lot through this shingles journey.  The last three months have been stressful! Actually the last three years have been stressful. Thank God for therapy!  My therapist helped me realize that it hasn’t just been three years, it’s been my whole life. I’ve had one event after the next and even though I’ve been in therapy on and off, I’ve never fully dealt with anything because something new was always happening. On the bright side, he says I’ve mastered surviving.  Woohoo!  Is there a badge for that or something?  He’s now helping me on my journey to thrive.  He always asks me how I feel about all of my experiences and comments on how the stories I tell could be made into intense horror movies but I just talk about them like I would talk about walking through the park and stopping to smell the roses. I’m humbled more and more through every experience.  It all makes me very relatable to people and it makes me more and more empathetic.  Not sympathetic though, just empathetic. I laugh with my therapist about the sympathetic thing because while I know not all humans are cut out for a rough journey through life, I still secretly want to throat punch people that whine over a stubbed toe. I never tell them that though.  I am a great listener and always try to treat people with grace and understanding.  I however am not perfect and sometimes fail.  With God’s grace and support I repent, grow and try again.   And sometimes again…

I never would have guesed..

Written sometime in 2014

Wow, Its been a while since my last post.. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, and its been an amazing journey so far.  I graduated the Neuromuscular Therapy course at National Holistic Institute in early November.  I'm currently working at Massage Envy & will be starting at Fullerton Community College at the end of January. I currently have 100% sole legal/physical custody of all three kids and we now live 5 minutes from the happiest place on earth.  My sister is still a huge support for me but is flying the coop very soon.  I started a Meditation group called, Come As You Are, and it grows a little more each week.  Physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually, I'm doing better then I ever have before and we have a solid foundation, an amazing support system and an abundance of health, wealth and happiness. I love that life just keeps getting better!


I never would have guessed that going to massage therapy school was going to be a huge growth process and it was definitely not by accident that I landed where I did & with whom.  As my main chick, Lydia-Carlie & I would say, NHI is so much more then a massage school.  Its a school of life!  Teachers there are awesome and you definitely make life long connections.  Without getting into all of the synchronicities of how I ended up there I do want to say a huge Thank You to Shawn Anderson for motivating me to take the first steps to get there.  I originally signed up for the 900 hour program and ended up signing on to the 1350 hour program.  The Santa Ana Campus had just opened when I started and I was blessed with the opportunity the be apart of the very first group 80 to start there and then again when I joined group 85 for the Advanced Neuromuscular Program.  We were a small group & were so fortunate to have an abundance of time with all of the teachers, mentors & counselors.  We watched as NHI Santa Ana grew right along with us.  It was a once in a lifetime experience with tons of memories to be cherished.

I believe people that are in our lives are mirrors of ourselves and its up to us to find the correlation and grow from each union.  Just about every person I came in contact with during my time at NHI either reflected something in me or an experience I needed to face in order for healing and growth to take place.  Enlightenment & personal growth can be a destructive process.  Its seeing through the façade of pretense and the crumbling away of untruth.  I didn't share much about the things I was dealing with while I was there, nor did I let very many in on how much they were helping me heal but I am eternally grateful and will one day share with them how they impacted my life. It wasn't always easy but it was necessary and with my tenacity and amazing support system, including but not limited to, "book club" & "carpool talk", I prevailed.



Perception

Written sometime in 2014

Perception

            “I love you, Aileen”… Words every 15 year old girl wants to hear from their Dad, right?  You would think so, but those very words sent chills down my spine the last time I heard them out of my Dads mouth.  It wasn’t just the words though, it was the monotone & detached way they were expressed that led me to begin preparing for what I knew was coming.  Our lives were about to drastically change and I could feel it.  The only question was, how was I going to influence the situation in order to get the best outcome for all of us involved?

It was New Year’s Day in 1996 and I was grounded like normal. Mom was cooking all sorts of delicious food & the Rose Parade was on.   My brothers & sister kept coming into my room to sneak me treats and tell me about the cool floats they were watching on TV.  We were a tight pack of siblings and always looked out for each other.  We were all pretty good about living in fantasy land & pretending we didn’t live in the twilight zone.  My Dad hadn’t spoken a nice word to me in weeks and everyone was walking on egg shells inside themselves but smiling on the outside.  Although most of life up to this point had been chaotic the prior year had been downright insane and I knew anything was possible.  That night when my Dad walked past my room he whispered those words, “I love you, Aileen”, but he didn’t look at me & he didn’t slow his pace.  The voice that I heard wasn’t even his, he was already gone.  He had threatened to kill himself & us in the past and I remember being so horribly scared.  I would cry & pray that nothing would happen but it was different this time, I wasn’t scared at all and I prayed it would end fast and with just him. 

            That was our last New Year’s together as a nuclear family & the pull of a trigger dramatically changed life as we knew it forever.  How was Mom going to raise us 5? I am, and always have been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The thing I learned that night, was we don’t always get to know “why” right away and eventually I realized, it’s not the why that matters.  Sometimes it takes years for things to make sense and I found that looking at a situation as an observer can help change the way I perceive the situation.  Now I know that when you change your perception, things just seem to change.  Watching my dad kill himself drastically changed my self-worth and for many years I saw life through the eyes of a victim.  I let someone else’s experience determine how my experience was going to play out and that person wasn’t even here anymore. 

            It was almost midnight & I knew it was getting close.  I could hear my mom trying to talk him out of it, she even called my grandma. My three year old sister was in the room with them and she was all I cared about.  I quietly walked down the hall & looked through the crack of the door jam.  I knew I couldn’t disturb the scene because he might freak out and take us all out, so I patiently waited.  My legs were shaking, palms were sweaty & I remember feeling cold on the inside.  It felt unreal & I didn’t know how I was so strong & focused but I was.  As I stood there watching I analyzed and thought about what I was going to do after he did it, and then it happened.  My mom was screaming & trying to plug the hole in his juggler, my grandma was screaming on the phone and then I started screaming.  I grabbed my sister, ran her out, and cleaned the blood off of her. The oldest brother guarded the little boys from seeing anything while 911 was called.  My mom continued trying to save him but he was long gone.  The cops probably got there fast but it seemed like forever.  Our Aunt, Uncle, cousin and grandma got there not long after to get us out of there.  The ride to my Aunts house was the longest ride ever, I remember feeling like it was a dream and I was waiting to wake up.  Things are kind of blurry after that but I did break down at the viewing.  It all became so real, I was never going to see my dad again and I was not okay with that.  Family members told me I climbed in the casket with him but I don’t recall that.  No matter how crazy and abusive he was, I loved him and was devastated that my dad was gone.  I died that night right along with him.  I blamed myself for being a “bad kid” and for not conforming to his twisted rules.  I was a zombie, a walking to do list, and was literally just going through the motions of life. It eventually turned to anger and life went even darker.  I did lots of drugs and drank tons of alcohol to numb life for many years.  I tried to die on a regular basis but GOD had other plans for me.  I was not in the driver seat of life, life was driving me. 

Three months after he died I ended up in an unhealthy relationship and went on to bring three children into this world.  The cycle continued, and while we weren’t as dysfunctional as my parents were, we weren’t stable parents by any means.  Drugs, alcohol and violence continued to run ramped and death still always seemed appealing.  No one around me knew how things really were because I had been putting a fake smile on my whole life and was a pro at it by that point.    Eventually, living life this way wasn’t working.  I asked myself if I was ever going to be happy and really thrive.  I didn’t know how I was going to, but I knew I could overcome anything and I wanted to.  It was time to move mountains and make some changes.  I had also been told that forgiveness will set you free, and so the journey to freedom began. 

I left my husband when I was 29 and while that made some aspects of life better there was still underlying issues.  You can run but you’re always there.  I’ve never been a religious person so when my friend wanted me to see her spiritual guide I was a little hesitant but I knew I needed help cleaning out the closet so I went.  I consulted him a few times for insight but quickly realized that I didn’t need a spiritual guide.  What I needed was personal growth.  I started reading books and finding techniques that would help me grow.  I came across a quote, “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer.  I remember thinking, “what a joke, that’s too easy!” 

Is it possible to find blessings from a tragedy? Absolutely, if you choose to!  That Wayne Dyer quote had my wheels spinning so I decided to give it a try.  I figured if I wanted my life to change, I had to change the way I felt about life.   I wanted to be happy but I was stuck on all of the “bad” things that I had experienced and the fact that my therapist at the time, told me statistics said I should be a “crack whore” or dead wasn’t helping either.  Regardless of what I had been through, what people said about me or how people treated me, bottom line was I wanted to feel good.  

I started asking myself “what is a feeling?’  I found that a feeling is a general state of consciousness determined by belief.  So what is belief? By definition a belief is basically an acceptance of a statement.  Both are a state of mind, something we control, therefore we can change how we feel.   Once I realized we have the capability of reprogramming our thought patterns and inevitability we create our future, it became a matter of responsibility.  If I create my reality then I am responsible for everything that has happened to me and that leaves no one to blame but myself.  I found that when I quit placing blame and reclaimed my power, forgiveness just kind of happened and life became easy.  Through education and reprogramming I’ve changed my perception on suicide and have discovered that creating joy is easy.  Through experience and Guidance from the good Lord above, I’ve been blessed with validation that when you change your perception you change your life.

A thought that crossed my mind today was, "What are the effects of lying on your child's note for school?"  When they are late or absent what is the excuse?  How does what we write on that note effect our children?  Just like now, when I was a kid the attendance office could be tuff on reasoning so my notes probably have contained lies.  Like saying there was an appointment rather than a concert, they were sick rather than a vacation or car trouble rather than over slept.  My question is, how have these lies effected my children?  My thought is, A lot..

Written 2012

  

The Four Agreements

I just finished reading a book Called "The Four Agreements", written by Miguel Ruiz. Excellent book! It reminds us of four little things that hugely effect our lives. It really is the simple things in life that truly bring us the most joy, yet we tend to forget about or get to busy for the simple things in todays fast pace society. Life is very simple & pleasurable if we allow it to be. Nothing shifts until you shift and these four agreements help me shift my daily way of living.

Agreement 1~ "Be Impeccable With Your Word"
The word impeccable means; free from fault or blame. In my opinion, this simply means think before you speak. Have you ever asked someone when they were due & they weren't even pregnant? Have you ever walked out of the house feeling absolutely amazing & then someone asks you if your feeling alright & that completely smashes your confidence because if you look like your not feeling well then you must look like crap!? Have you ever called someone a name? Have you ever told someone that you love them? Pay attention to peoples reactions when you speak to them, the people skills you will learn are indescribable. I was not aware of the power that our words have & I've come to realize the word is actually like a double edged sword. Freedom of speech is one of those bitter sweet things & is all too often taken advantage of. Just because I have the ability to say what ever I want does not make it right to do so without thinking of the consequences. We go around casting evil spells upon each other daily and don't even realize the long lasting effects & severe damage we cause in the process. Gossip is like a computer virus. One little piece of misinformation can break down communication between people, causing every person it touches to become infected & contagious to others. When someone gossips to us, we think a little less clear & then in effort to clear up our own confusion we gossip & spread the viruses to someone else. Eventully all we hear is the chaos of a thousand different voices all trying to talk at once in the mind. What a mess! Right? Good News!! This can all be avoided by Being impeccable with our word. Since this agreement was brought to my attention I've been practicing being impeccable with my word daily & its getting easier everyday. I take the time to notice how my words do affect the people I'm talking to & I think about how the words I am going to say will effect the person receiving the words. Do you know that there are all kinds of people in this world who go through the entire day without speaking to a single person? Can you imagine that? After thinking of that very thought one day, I decided to make it a point everyday to tell people Hello! Today I say hi to just about every face I see and I gotta tell you, the smiles & reactions I get in return are priceless. Our words really are magical & I choose to be impeccable with mine.

Agreement 2~ "Don't Take Anything Personally"
I touched on this agreement in my first blog so bear with me if things get repeated. This agreement is absolutely freeing in my opinion because i've worried about what other people thought of me my whole life. I would never admit it before but from childhood I remember being terrified of not being accepted. I've always had so many people to impress, my parents, grandparents, friends, kids, teachers, siblings, bosses, coworkers, pets, aunts, neighbors, cousins, uncles & who ever else I thought might have an opinion on me. This defect in my character caused me a lot of stress & negativity in my life until I made that agreement with myself, DONT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY! And that means don't take anything personally from anyone or anything, good or bad. If someone tells me,"good job!" I say Thank You & move on, I can't take it personal even tho its a positive statement. One of the most important aspects of our lives is that they are our lives. No one else could live them exactly the way we are living them. We are all unique in our very own ways & we all do things differently. I am my own worst critic so if I can accept myself for who I am then thats all that matters because if Im good enough for me, Im good enough for God. What other people think of us is not our business, good or bad, not our business. We all have opinions & we all have eyeballs. Just like our eyeballs are "our" eyeballs our opinions our "ours" too. Everything that happens in our lives is an opportunity for learning. If I do something Im not very proud of then its time to look within and acknowledge, process, evaluate & move on. I can't beat myself up over it & I'm surely not going to let anyone else beat me up over it so I don't take it personally. Chalk it up to a lesson learned because someday your lesson will be helpful to someone else. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff & what other people think of me is definitely small so I'm not sweating it. Pat yourself on the back because you deserve it not because someone tells you you deserve it. DONT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY! Practice this agreement daily & then watch as frustration turns into joy & creativity.

Agreement 3~ "Don't Make Assumptions"
The mind is interesting to say the least. For some reason my mind feels the need to justify & understand everything in order to feel safe and secure. This need for understanding & justification leads to a lot of assumptions and some of the things I assume are just plain silly. Although, now that Im realizing what Im doing when Im doing it and it cracks me up at times. I assume so much & didn't even realize how much I do it! Not long ago, I assumed someone might be assuming something. Crazy right! The great thing is after making this agreements with myself, now Im aware of these habits & Im definetaly understanding the importance of not assuming. Have you ever made an assumption about what someone was doing or thinking? I have! More times then I can count and what's even worse is then I shared my assumption with someone else as if it was the truth. So basically I assumed and then gossiped, not good because we all know how poisonous gossip is. Now just like its not good to assume what other people are thinking or doing, we also shouldn't assume people know what we are thinking or doing. Do you know how many times I assumed my ex husband knew why I was mad at him or what I was thinking? So many I can't remember and these assumptions led to so many disagreements. If I only knew then what I know now so much conflict could have been avoided but everything happens for a reason and all of those conflicts are learning lessons in life.  Im finally realizing the importance of ASKING. If we just ask questions, we don't have to assume. If we don't understand or we are unclear about something, it is our job & we owe it to ourselves to ask questions. It's simple! Think about how much drama & poison can be avoided by not making assumptions. Have you ever waved to someone & they didn't wave back? What went through your mind? How rude! Is she mad at me? Maybe she didn't see me. These are not only assumptions I've made but after I made them, then I took my assumptions personally. Broke two agreements & wasted time & energy over nonsense. Bottom line is assuming leads to a lot of problems & should be avoided if your intending on living a more peaceful life.

Agreement 4~ "Always do your best"

Its plain & simple, always do your best, noting more, nothing less.  Our best is going to change from moment to moment depending on our environment & well being. Obviously if we're sick our best isn't going to be as good as if we are in good health and thats okay we just need to be the best we can be at that moment. This doesn't mean do better then your best either because if we try to go beyond our best all we do is wear ourselves out & the result is less then our best. If we are doing what we love, we will probably do it exceedingly well. If we focus on success, we will probably forget about living. If we focus on living and doing what we love, we have a good chance of being successful.  When you go to work are you excited about what your going to be doing or are you thinking about your days off and your paycheck?  When we work for the reward we resist work and we don't do our best.  Find all of the positive aspects in all areas of your life & the reward is far greater then any paycheck.  Have you ever had a job you didn't love?  Have you ever had a boss you couldn't stand?  I've had a few!  If we focus on the job we don't like or the mean boss we have we are focusing on the negative aspects & in return we get more negativity.  You get what you give & you have to give in order to receive.  If I go through my day doing things because I have to then Im not doing my best & it's not even worth doing.  If I find what I love about the things that Im doing then Im doing it for the pleasure and my best shows.  I determine how great I want my life to be & I take action to get there.  My life is what I make it and if I want a wonderful life I have to act on it.  Action is about living fully, inaction is the way we deny life.  I can choose to find positive aspects & ALWAYS DO MY BEST or I can sit in front of a television an be afraid to live & be proud of who I am.  Shawn Anderson has taught me a some great ways to take action on creating a positive day & I hope they help you in the same way they have helped me.  When I wake up I ask myself questions and these 3 questions help they me find positivity & inspire me to do my best.  I ask myself the questions & really think about my answers.  #1 What am I excited about doing today? Think of how great you will feel when you do it.  #2 Whom can I serve or encourage today?  In other words, what can you do or say that will make someone else feel great.  #3 What am I most grateful for right now in my life?  Think about something specific that makes you feel fortunate.  We can only be our best when we do our best.  If we ALWAYS DO OUR BEST its easy to follow the first 3 agreements.  If we follow "The Four Agreements" we are bound to be better people and have better lives. 

Well thats all for now folks, I do hope your enjoying reading because Im enjoying writing.  As I've said before Im new to blogging and am not completely up to par on rules of blogging and writing so feel free to comment & give me advise. Constructive criticism is always welcome, Im learning as I go but isn't that what life is about.  Im going to college soon so the spelling, grammar & punctuation will get better in time.  I do want to say that a lot of this wonderful information comes from Don Miguel Ruiz & Shawn Anderson.  Both amazing writers & teachers.  Im fortunate to have one as a friend & words can't describe how grateful I am for what he has shared with & taught me. 

 

My first blog & its A lil about me

Here goes nothing.. Wait that sounds negative.. Here goes everything.. Wait that sounds Dramatic.. Here it goes.. yea that sounds better.. Bear with me people, this is my first blog & I don't know much about this whole blogging thing. Were all different & there's no better way for me to learn then jumping right in! So.. Here it goes finally!

I guess it would help you understand where I'm coming from if you knew a little about me. I've been in this awesome world for 31 eventful years. I am the oldest of 5 insanely loving, loyal, intelligent & gorgeous children. From birth I've been blessed with a awesome amazingly strong woman & she's the best mom I could ever have. The 6 of us were fortunate enough to have been exposed to experiences & shenanigans of all sorts while Dad was in our lives. Although his time with us wasn't long, the time we spent with him created everlasting effects. May God bless his soul. We lived in Los Angeles till I was 14 then moved to Riverside & I've been here ever since. I guess you can say I grew up fast, I got pregnant at 17 & had 3 kids by 22. I whole heartedly & honestly have to say It really is truly rewarding to have kids like mine. I could not have asked God to bless me in any better way then with the 2 beautiful girls & an amazing son he gave me. They're awesome! They totally are my whole world & I love them way more then words can describe. I was very fortunate to be a stay at home for many years but I've been separated from their dad for almost 3 years now & had to join the working world. Over the last 4 years I've taught pre-school, sorted at UPS, Managed a promotions team in downtown Los Angeles, worked in construction field & had a Receptionist job. I recently became unemployed & I'm soaking up every single moment I can while I have it. I'm told mindful living is the key to experiencing inner peace & it's getting easier with practice.

I don't know about you guys but my mind way over thinks things. This causes me so much stress and wasted time & energy. I mean just look at the beginning of this blog. Why do I do these things to myself? Honestly, I think its because I care so much about what others think of me. I crave acceptance. Its a defect in my character. One of them, that is. There's a few more... Who doesn't want to be accepted anyways? We all do! Right? Well, I'd like to think its normal to want to be accepted. Either way I cant let it run my life. No biggie! Sounds easy right? Its not as easy as it sounds but it truly is one of the doors I can choose to open for a life filled with ultimate abundance & joy. We basically spend our whole lives trying to impress someone. From the time we're babies we look for acceptance from others. We strive to impress our parents, teachers, friends, the opposite sex, our boss, kids, pets, neighbors, coworkers, strangers, enemies & the list goes on. My point is we try to impress A LOT of people & thats a lot of unnecessary work! My question is, how often do we try to impress ourselves? Not often enough in my case. Although now I do realize the importance of this so I do practice it daily. We all know right from wrong, up from down, left from right, good from bad, ying from yang. You get the picture. Is that what that weird feeling we get in our gut for? Intuition.. huh, what a great gift! If we put ourselves first, make the right choices & look within will we find acceptance? Isn't accepting ourselves the only acceptance that's important? If we accept ourselves wouldn't others accept us too? So many questions & everyone has the answers. Where do we find the right answers?

A wise man just said to me, "Aileen! What other people think of you is NOT your business! I think your Amazing & I can't wait for you to BELIEVE that!" Another wise one has been telling me for something similar to that for years now & in his own way, God has been telling me that my whole life. I have to look within & really listen to get my answers.

Along my journey to personal empowerment I've made a few agreements with myself. One of them is, "Dont take anything personally!" Stop for a minute and think about what that statement means & think of how great you will feel when you truly DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY! Can there be anything more freeing? I've discovered that if you create good habits & routinely do them it becomes a practice. Everyday I practice not taking things personally, good or bad, I try to not let anything that happens effect me emotionally. It's simple right! For some maybe, but for me, not so much. With practice though, it's definitely getting easier!

Now just like with anything else, the good comes along with the bad & the positive words I receive come right along with negative criticism I hear. There's a lot of negative people in this world. Im sure you know a few. There everywhere. Most of them are easy to spot & misery is usually written all over their faces. However some are sneaky little suckers & those are the worst ones in my opinion because you never know when they might strike. Regardless of how, where or when negative energy invades life, my point is it does and its always going to. It's all apart of life & its going to happen. All that matters is the way we handle it. The way I deal with negativity determines the amount of positivity I am going to have in my life.

I know what makes me happy & I also know what makes me unhappy. I create my life. All of it! The good, the bad & the ugly. It's all up to me. You get what you put out. Treat others the way you want to be treated. It's simple right? Might not be easy for you, but that one thankfully, is easy for me. Kindness! It comes naturally to me and that my friends would be called a character trait. There's that good & bad thing again. One of my defects is I crave acceptance but my one traits is I can accept anyone as they are. Go figure!

When I wake up in the morning I pray, write, meditate or simply think of everything I'm gratefully blessed with. By doing some or even just one of these things I am choosing to start my day on the right path. Now by no means am I perfect & either is my life. Sometimes life happens & i simply just cant at that moment & sometimes I honestly just forget right after I wake up and thats okay too. I do it when I can or when I rember & with daily practice I get better & better.

Everyday is a new beginning & every night we have the ability to & should take the time to enjoy the masterpiece we've created. It's so easy for me to get caught up in my next thought. All of the sudden my day is gone & all i've done was think about what I have to get done or where I have to go. This happened day in & out for years. Let me tell you, its no way to live. Now, I am in control of my thoughts & I take the time to enjoy all that I have created. I grew up fast to say the least but I believe everything happens for a reason & I don't regret one moment of my life so far. I have experienced so much & am completely excited to share my stories in hope that it will help others on their journey through life. It's been a wild ride but the bumps got me here & I wouldn't change a thing. Find what works for you & work it! Don't sweat the small stuff! Life's a garden, Man! Pick the weeds out & Dig it!!