Should I stay or go?

Written July 2019

Love.!?  It can be exhausting, if you choose to let it be.  I was in a relationship long ago where I knew the dude lied all the time.  I have a good intuition and he didn’t have loyal friends so I knew he was up to no good.  I would drive myself crazy trying to find the truth. Looking through the computer history, checking his phone, ect.  You can literally exhaust yourself and feel crazy in the process. Not to mention, when you go looking for trouble, you will find it.  After that relationship I vowed to never make those choices again. 

I was single for 8 years and lived a good fun life.  My cousin said I was a bachelor. Not a bachelorette but a girl bachelor.  Life was pretty stress free, besides baby daddy drama.  I had a blast and had no fucks to give when it came to guys.  I had a handful to choose from when I wanted and my own bed to lay in every night I chose to.  I was alone but never lonely.  My true loves are my kids anyways but sometimes I wanted to escape reality and have fun too.  I didn’t bring men around my kids because I never intended for anything to get serious.  My kids knew I dated and sometimes even asked if they were ever going to meet any of my friends but the answer was, “if I ever feel it’s going to be serious then yes but until then, no.” 

Eventually I did get serious with someone and I did everything I said I’d never do. The first night I met him I knew it was love.  I saw his soul when I looked in his eyes.  My energy was so drawn to him.  He said all the right things.  He was everything on my list. I knew that night he was my other half.  It was exciting but scary.  I didn’t let him know but he knew it too.  Under his breath he whispered, “Yup, I’m gonna love her.”  I went home that night with butterflies.  I was just a kid with my first love and I did love some of my longtime friends but this was different. I was falling in love.

We moved fast.  I wanted to grow old with him and knew he was my forever.  My kids knew it was serious when they met him and accepted him because I loved him.  He got hurt after 2 months of us dating.  One day we were in the hospital after his surgery and I blurted out that he could move in us as long as the kids were okay with it.  After I said it my stomach sank and I felt like I got punched in the bread basket.  What the heck did I just do?  Can I take it back? Why did I say that?  Oh my goodness!  He could read all of my thoughts and he knew I was panicking but also knew he was in like Flynn.  I talked to the kids and they said it was a go.  Life as we knew it was changing.

He moved in right out of the hospital and the kids and I made room for him in our lives.  My oldest was going off to college and I got rid of about half my clothes and shoes.  We had a small place but made it work.  I worked my butt off like normal while he healed.  The kids weren’t use to having someone there all the time and it was a big adjustment for them.  One surgery turned into five and it was a long road I didn’t realize I was on.  Blending a family isn’t easy and when you add surgeries and financial stress it gets bumpy.  We loved hard and we fought hard.  We are so much alike, yet so different.  We went through a lot of ups and downs. I had the best laughs of my life and lots of tears.  The good times were awesome.  We could make the best out of anything.  The bad times however, kept getting worse.

Three years, one roller coaster ride and a baby later things have drastically changed.  We no longer live together and are trying to adjust to new life.  It’s rough at times, tons of mixed emotions and confusion. Lots of other people’s opinions.  Never knowing what the “right” thing to do is.  What does a healthy co parent relationship look like?  Should we be having sex since we’re not seeing anyone else?  Should I listen to my therapist’s advice?  Is working it out even possible?  Am I being given time I need to grow and process?  Is the Lord behind all of this or is it the devils work?  So much to try to figure out and I might not ever find the “right” way.  Seems like so much is out of my control but there’s one thing I can control.  I can control the way I feel.  However I choose to respond to all of this determines how I’m going to feel.  Love is tricky and sometimes you can’t help who you love.  You have to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or you’ll lose yourself every time react.

This morning there was a situation that didn’t add up.  I could have got in my car to go investigate.  I could have sat and drove myself crazy assuming all of the possibilities.  I chose to put the phone away, read my bible, have coffee and get words on paper.  I’ve been given space and time, the way I use it is my choice.  Today I chose to stay.  I didn’t allow negative thoughts to enter, I didn’t go looking for trouble.  I did choose to take advantage of the time I was given and use it in a positive way and I feel good for choosing me.   I'm keeping my power and trying my best to focus on the things I do have control over.  I'm remembering how much I enjoy my time and space.  My cup was empty and now its filling up.                                                                                         

  August 2019

Holy Shingles!

I fell out of bed a few weeks ago and was having the worst pain ever.  It was so bad one morning that I grabbed some pain gel and rubbed it all over.  I didn’t shake the bottle and got some intense concentrated oils on my skin.  I broke out in what I thought was a chemical burn.  My pain kept getting worse.  In fact it got so severe I was crying and couldn’t sleep.  That might not be a big deal for some but I don’t cry.  My brother made the comment that he has never even seen me cry and when he heard me say I was crying it was extremely weird to think about.  Sad story bro, but anyways back to the pain. I’m definitely not one to the run to the doctor but I know when it’s time to go.  I believe in a healthy balance of eastern and western medicine and this was a time to go.

I get to the urgent care and tell the doctor my falling out of bed story and tell her about the pain gel burn.  I tell her I’m a massage therapist and know anatomy well but I don’t understand any of what’s going on because the pain patterns don’t make sense.  She agrees and asks to see my oil burn.  Her eyes got as big as half dollar coin and she said, “That’s not a burn, that’s shingles! And it’s a really bad case, one of the worst I’ve seen.  You’re in the worst part of it and should have already been on an antiviral.” I was so confused.  I’ve never had chicken pox so how could I have shingles. I also didn’t remember being around anyone that had it and didn’t know how I would have gotten it. Apparently, because I’ve had cold sores, I have that kind of virus in my body and it’s the same virus as chicken pox.  She said high levels of stress bring it on most of the time.  She prescribed pain meds and an antiviral.  Like I said before, I’m not one to run to doctors and pills.  I actually try to avoid it but again, this was the time to embrace western medicine.  A few days later when pain still wasn’t letting up she prescribed a nerve pain medicine to try out.  She also informed me that the nerve pain might not ever go away.  The gift that keeps giving.  Could it be karma?

So here I sit, over three weeks later and on three medicines. This has been a humbling experience to say the least. As a massage therapist you come across a lot of people with high levels of pain.  I’ve been fortunate in life and other than having children haven’t experienced much pain. After labor there’s a reward, you get a baby.  The reward makes the pain not so bad.  Shingles just plain sucks!  Over three weeks of pain and broken sleep is horrible.  Thank God I have my big kids to help with the baby.  Zoe is 19 months old, Devin is 16, Brandon is 18 and Michelle is 20 and away at college but helps from a distance.  Zoe is my wild child and requires full attention all the time. She also got sick the first week of my pain journey.  Zoe has a great immune system and other than two months ago when she got a high fever after a stressful event, she’s never been sick so it was pretty much a nightmare while both of us were jacked up but we’re getting through it.  She was back to her sassy self after about five days.

I’ve reflected a lot through this shingles journey.  The last three months have been stressful! Actually the last three years have been stressful. Thank God for therapy!  My therapist helped me realize that it hasn’t just been three years, it’s been my whole life. I’ve had one event after the next and even though I’ve been in therapy on and off, I’ve never fully dealt with anything because something new was always happening. On the bright side, he says I’ve mastered surviving.  Woohoo!  Is there a badge for that or something?  He’s now helping me on my journey to thrive.  He always asks me how I feel about all of my experiences and comments on how the stories I tell could be made into intense horror movies but I just talk about them like I would talk about walking through the park and stopping to smell the roses. I’m humbled more and more through every experience.  It all makes me very relatable to people and it makes me more and more empathetic.  Not sympathetic though, just empathetic. I laugh with my therapist about the sympathetic thing because while I know not all humans are cut out for a rough journey through life, I still secretly want to throat punch people that whine over a stubbed toe. I never tell them that though.  I am a great listener and always try to treat people with grace and understanding.  I however am not perfect and sometimes fail.  With God’s grace and support I repent, grow and try again.   And sometimes again…

I never would have guesed..

Written sometime in 2014

Wow, Its been a while since my last post.. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, and its been an amazing journey so far.  I graduated the Neuromuscular Therapy course at National Holistic Institute in early November.  I'm currently working at Massage Envy & will be starting at Fullerton Community College at the end of January. I currently have 100% sole legal/physical custody of all three kids and we now live 5 minutes from the happiest place on earth.  My sister is still a huge support for me but is flying the coop very soon.  I started a Meditation group called, Come As You Are, and it grows a little more each week.  Physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually, I'm doing better then I ever have before and we have a solid foundation, an amazing support system and an abundance of health, wealth and happiness. I love that life just keeps getting better!


I never would have guessed that going to massage therapy school was going to be a huge growth process and it was definitely not by accident that I landed where I did & with whom.  As my main chick, Lydia-Carlie & I would say, NHI is so much more then a massage school.  Its a school of life!  Teachers there are awesome and you definitely make life long connections.  Without getting into all of the synchronicities of how I ended up there I do want to say a huge Thank You to Shawn Anderson for motivating me to take the first steps to get there.  I originally signed up for the 900 hour program and ended up signing on to the 1350 hour program.  The Santa Ana Campus had just opened when I started and I was blessed with the opportunity the be apart of the very first group 80 to start there and then again when I joined group 85 for the Advanced Neuromuscular Program.  We were a small group & were so fortunate to have an abundance of time with all of the teachers, mentors & counselors.  We watched as NHI Santa Ana grew right along with us.  It was a once in a lifetime experience with tons of memories to be cherished.

I believe people that are in our lives are mirrors of ourselves and its up to us to find the correlation and grow from each union.  Just about every person I came in contact with during my time at NHI either reflected something in me or an experience I needed to face in order for healing and growth to take place.  Enlightenment & personal growth can be a destructive process.  Its seeing through the façade of pretense and the crumbling away of untruth.  I didn't share much about the things I was dealing with while I was there, nor did I let very many in on how much they were helping me heal but I am eternally grateful and will one day share with them how they impacted my life. It wasn't always easy but it was necessary and with my tenacity and amazing support system, including but not limited to, "book club" & "carpool talk", I prevailed.



Perception

Written sometime in 2014

Perception

            “I love you, Aileen”… Words every 15 year old girl wants to hear from their Dad, right?  You would think so, but those very words sent chills down my spine the last time I heard them out of my Dads mouth.  It wasn’t just the words though, it was the monotone & detached way they were expressed that led me to begin preparing for what I knew was coming.  Our lives were about to drastically change and I could feel it.  The only question was, how was I going to influence the situation in order to get the best outcome for all of us involved?

It was New Year’s Day in 1996 and I was grounded like normal. Mom was cooking all sorts of delicious food & the Rose Parade was on.   My brothers & sister kept coming into my room to sneak me treats and tell me about the cool floats they were watching on TV.  We were a tight pack of siblings and always looked out for each other.  We were all pretty good about living in fantasy land & pretending we didn’t live in the twilight zone.  My Dad hadn’t spoken a nice word to me in weeks and everyone was walking on egg shells inside themselves but smiling on the outside.  Although most of life up to this point had been chaotic the prior year had been downright insane and I knew anything was possible.  That night when my Dad walked past my room he whispered those words, “I love you, Aileen”, but he didn’t look at me & he didn’t slow his pace.  The voice that I heard wasn’t even his, he was already gone.  He had threatened to kill himself & us in the past and I remember being so horribly scared.  I would cry & pray that nothing would happen but it was different this time, I wasn’t scared at all and I prayed it would end fast and with just him. 

            That was our last New Year’s together as a nuclear family & the pull of a trigger dramatically changed life as we knew it forever.  How was Mom going to raise us 5? I am, and always have been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The thing I learned that night, was we don’t always get to know “why” right away and eventually I realized, it’s not the why that matters.  Sometimes it takes years for things to make sense and I found that looking at a situation as an observer can help change the way I perceive the situation.  Now I know that when you change your perception, things just seem to change.  Watching my dad kill himself drastically changed my self-worth and for many years I saw life through the eyes of a victim.  I let someone else’s experience determine how my experience was going to play out and that person wasn’t even here anymore. 

            It was almost midnight & I knew it was getting close.  I could hear my mom trying to talk him out of it, she even called my grandma. My three year old sister was in the room with them and she was all I cared about.  I quietly walked down the hall & looked through the crack of the door jam.  I knew I couldn’t disturb the scene because he might freak out and take us all out, so I patiently waited.  My legs were shaking, palms were sweaty & I remember feeling cold on the inside.  It felt unreal & I didn’t know how I was so strong & focused but I was.  As I stood there watching I analyzed and thought about what I was going to do after he did it, and then it happened.  My mom was screaming & trying to plug the hole in his juggler, my grandma was screaming on the phone and then I started screaming.  I grabbed my sister, ran her out, and cleaned the blood off of her. The oldest brother guarded the little boys from seeing anything while 911 was called.  My mom continued trying to save him but he was long gone.  The cops probably got there fast but it seemed like forever.  Our Aunt, Uncle, cousin and grandma got there not long after to get us out of there.  The ride to my Aunts house was the longest ride ever, I remember feeling like it was a dream and I was waiting to wake up.  Things are kind of blurry after that but I did break down at the viewing.  It all became so real, I was never going to see my dad again and I was not okay with that.  Family members told me I climbed in the casket with him but I don’t recall that.  No matter how crazy and abusive he was, I loved him and was devastated that my dad was gone.  I died that night right along with him.  I blamed myself for being a “bad kid” and for not conforming to his twisted rules.  I was a zombie, a walking to do list, and was literally just going through the motions of life. It eventually turned to anger and life went even darker.  I did lots of drugs and drank tons of alcohol to numb life for many years.  I tried to die on a regular basis but GOD had other plans for me.  I was not in the driver seat of life, life was driving me. 

Three months after he died I ended up in an unhealthy relationship and went on to bring three children into this world.  The cycle continued, and while we weren’t as dysfunctional as my parents were, we weren’t stable parents by any means.  Drugs, alcohol and violence continued to run ramped and death still always seemed appealing.  No one around me knew how things really were because I had been putting a fake smile on my whole life and was a pro at it by that point.    Eventually, living life this way wasn’t working.  I asked myself if I was ever going to be happy and really thrive.  I didn’t know how I was going to, but I knew I could overcome anything and I wanted to.  It was time to move mountains and make some changes.  I had also been told that forgiveness will set you free, and so the journey to freedom began. 

I left my husband when I was 29 and while that made some aspects of life better there was still underlying issues.  You can run but you’re always there.  I’ve never been a religious person so when my friend wanted me to see her spiritual guide I was a little hesitant but I knew I needed help cleaning out the closet so I went.  I consulted him a few times for insight but quickly realized that I didn’t need a spiritual guide.  What I needed was personal growth.  I started reading books and finding techniques that would help me grow.  I came across a quote, “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer.  I remember thinking, “what a joke, that’s too easy!” 

Is it possible to find blessings from a tragedy? Absolutely, if you choose to!  That Wayne Dyer quote had my wheels spinning so I decided to give it a try.  I figured if I wanted my life to change, I had to change the way I felt about life.   I wanted to be happy but I was stuck on all of the “bad” things that I had experienced and the fact that my therapist at the time, told me statistics said I should be a “crack whore” or dead wasn’t helping either.  Regardless of what I had been through, what people said about me or how people treated me, bottom line was I wanted to feel good.  

I started asking myself “what is a feeling?’  I found that a feeling is a general state of consciousness determined by belief.  So what is belief? By definition a belief is basically an acceptance of a statement.  Both are a state of mind, something we control, therefore we can change how we feel.   Once I realized we have the capability of reprogramming our thought patterns and inevitability we create our future, it became a matter of responsibility.  If I create my reality then I am responsible for everything that has happened to me and that leaves no one to blame but myself.  I found that when I quit placing blame and reclaimed my power, forgiveness just kind of happened and life became easy.  Through education and reprogramming I’ve changed my perception on suicide and have discovered that creating joy is easy.  Through experience and Guidance from the good Lord above, I’ve been blessed with validation that when you change your perception you change your life.